My Big Fat Pakistani* Wedding

After my reaction to the Doha Debate on women’s choice to marry whomever they want, it should be apparent that I really don’t like Asra Nomani. Which is cool, because I’m pretty sure if she knew me, she wouldn’t like me. I wear hijab and pray, so according to her and her documentary, that makes me an extremist.

Thanks to MMW, I ran across an article she wrote for Marie Claire – My Big Fat Muslim Wedding. In it, she discusses Islam, and Islam’s idea of marriage oppresses women. She frames this in a story about her own personal love life and failed marriage.

She starts off by incorrectly labeling cultural practices as Islamic, and thus marrying the two (pardon the pun), making them inseparable for the rest of her article.

There’s a photo of me as a toddler, my sullen face peeking out from layers of bridal finery—part of a tradition that sets Muslim girls on the path to marriage.

I see this as Nomani insinuating that this is an Islamic practice. Honestly, it’s the first time I’ve heard of such a thing. I’m assuming it is actually a South Asian practice, because Arabs and other Muslims definitely do not preform such rituals or practices.

To me, abiding by the dictates of my culture and religion meant finding a love that would be halal, or legal, according to Islamic law.

Here, again, she’s confusing culture with Islam. Culture definitely influences the way everyone practices their religion, but it is not an Islamic teaching that a woman marry within her culture or find a match that meets her cultures requirements, it is purely a cultural practice and preference.

Nomani goes on to gives the details of her failed relationships and how she lost her virginity. This is just my personal opinion here, but I find it pretty tasteless and classless to divulge such information. No, it’s not because she’s a woman, or because she’s Muslim. I just think it’s distasteful to use such things to try to make some kind of point.

Nomani eventually settles down with a guy who is suitable. Meaning, he’s Muslim, and he’s South Asian. Of course, this marriage fails. Why? Because of Islam, of course. It’s not her family or her culture which pressured her into such a relationship, it must be because of Islam, right?

She eventually falls in love with a non-Muslim who she describes as knowing Islam better than most (and probably better than her as well). I honestly hope she can be happy, and I do feel bad that she wasn’t strong enough to stand up to her family and follow her heart in the first place. But she is not a victim of Islam like she claims – she is a victim of her culture.

It irks me to no end that people like her have an international stage to spout their nonsense and further their agenda. Obviously, it’s because she’s easy for Westerners and ignorant people to sympathize with. I know many non-Muslims take crap for fact from CNN, Fox, etc., but it’s much worse that it’s fellow Muslims like Nomani are feeding into this incorrect and ignorant ideas.

The Calligrapher’s Daughter

Title: The Calligrapher’s Daughter
Author: Eugenia Kim
Pages: 400
Rating: 4/5

In early twentieth century Korea, Najin Han, the privileged daughter of a calligrapher, longs to choose her own destiny. Smart and headstrong, she is encouraged by her mother – but her stern father is desperate to maintain the ways of traditional Korea, especially as the Japanese steadily gain control of his beloved country. When he seeks to marry her into an aristocratic family, her mother defies generations of obedient wives and instead sends Najin to serve in the king’s court, where, in the shadow of a dying monarchy, she begins a journey through the increasing oppressing that will forever change her world. Spanning thirty years, The Calligrapher’s Daughter is a novel in the tradition of Lisa See about a country torn between ancient customs and modern possibilities, a family ultimately united by love, and a woman who never gives up her search for freedom.

The Calligrapher’s Daughter is a story of the Japanese occupation of Korea in the 20th century, told through the life of Najin, a young girl who comes of age during a time of modernization and revolution. She’s caught between her desire to be an independent, educated woman, and her father’s desire for the old ways where the elite scholarly class ran society, and women are seen as inferior.

Najin does not actually have a proper given name. It is revealed throughout the book that her father refuses to name her because he sees her as a symbol of the occupation and Korea’s fall. It’s shocking and sad how much her father actually detests her. He sees her as a shame to the family.

The thing that really shocked me the most about Korean traditions and culture at this time is how women were treated. I knew nothing of Korea prior to reading this book. Women were to be seen and not heard, were less than men, and were seen as really just machines there to have children and serve dinner. Even within the family, the women’s area is kept separate from the man’s, and man and wife don’t even eat dinner together. One proverb even says that a woman without talent is a virtue. I have no idea if these traditions or attitudes were specific to the class Najin’s family belonged to, or if it was more universal. But the arrival of Christianity and the Japanese occupation really changed the opportunities women had and the attitude towards them.

The thing I really loved about Kim’s style of writing was how beautiful and poetic it was. It was perfectly descriptive without being too over the top and distracting from the story. Here’s an example:

My hands reached to catch the sunshine poking between the leaves, and my feet traced the maze of shadows that I pretended would lead to a cave of glories and awe.

The only problem I had with the book was that the description didn’t actually match the story. I had originally thought it would be a book about court intrigue and drama, like a lot of the historical fiction I read. But it’s not. It’s about the life of Najin, her family, and Korea.

I learned a lot from this book, and I would definitely read anything else Kim puts out.

Thank you to the publisher and to Library Thing Early Reviewers for sending me this book. This book will be available for purchase on August 4, 2009.

The Female Brain

Title: The Female Brain
Author: Louann Brizendine
Pages: 304
Rating: 3.5/5

You know how men are always complaining that they don’t understand women? Or that they wish someone would write a book about how to understand them? Well, this is the book.

The Female Brain sets out to explain why women do what they do from infancy to menopause. It explains the hormonal changes behind and biological reasons for some of the great mysteries of women, like why women like to go to the bathroom together. The female brain is also compared to the male brain, so hormonal changes in men and their behavior is also discussed.

This is one book I’d recommend to everyone. It’s useful if you have kids, or ever plan on having kids, or if you are in a relationship, or ever plan on being in one. I’ve learned a lot about myself and people around me, thanks to The Female Brain.

It’s incredibly readable. It’s put into language everyone can understand with plenty of relateable real life examples to keep the text flowing.

Just keep in mind one important point the author things up – while The Female Brain makes sense and explains much, no one is controlled completely by hormones. They influence us but they don’t control us.

Lessons From Gojra

The other day in Pakistan, riots broke out in Gojra, Punjab. Houses were torched, shots were fired, and 9 were killed – 6 of them were women. All because a rumor pitted Christian against Muslims, neighbors against neighbors. The Christians were accused of desecrating the Qur’an, and an angry mob responded by attacking them. Politicians have been urging restraint, and the families of those killed will be compensated with Rs.500,000 each, while 800 have been arrested.

This reminds me of all the riots over cartoons or books that insult Islam. It saddens me when Muslims overreact and turn to violence when they’ve been insulted. Things like this attack were obviously wrong. There was not even any proof that the Christians had committed any wrong doing, and we all know that killing is wrong. Even if this were in a time of war (and it isn’t), it’s unacceptable to kill women.

I think that Muslims in general need to develop a thicker skin and learn to challenge insults to Islam in a more dignified, and peaceful manner. Though we shouldn’t tolerate those who do actually make fun of our religion, I think we should exercise restraint and maintain a cool head when dealing with them.

I recently wrote about Marwa Al-Sherbini, who decided to deal with discrimination and insults in a legal way by taking the man who harassed her to court. Unfortunately this ended tragically, with Marwa’s death, but I think we need to live by her example and find more dignified ways to deal with insults.

I remember when the riots broke out all over because of the Danish cartoons. In my city, a group of Muslim academics had a public, roundtable discussion with non-Muslim academics about the cartoons, and many wrote letters in the various university and state publications about how and why it was wrong. There was no violence, and the result was that people actually listened to their point. The only thing violence accomplishes is creating more hatred and violence. By going about things in a calm and rational way, it’s possible to gain sympathy, change minds, and make people listen to you.

The situation in Gojra is tragic, and I feel for the families of those who were killed. I hope that some day Muslims will stop being so reactionary, and not lose their head when insulted. Exercising restraint and patience will ultimately bring us out on top of whatever opposition we face.

Neda and Marwa

I am sick of Neda and Marwa being exploited.

Neda was the young Muslim women who was shot by a sniper during the first wave of riots following the Iranian election. A video of her final moment was posted all around the internet and she was hailed as a martyr for the cause and has been since used as a symbol for the rebellion with pictures, graphics, and drawings of her, dead, with blood on her face, used on the internet and in other forms of media.

Marwa was the Muslim woman who decided to sue a man in Germany for harassing her about hijab. Outside of the court room she was stabbed by that man, killing her and her unborn child. She has since been branded the “hijab martyr” and pictures of her smiling face are seen all over the internet and in print media to expose Islamophobia, racism, and to support hijab.

I have a serious problem with how these girls are treated. They are not martyrs, and I’m not saying this to disrespect them or their memory. I have a high respect for both women, but they were not martyrs. They were women who were in the wrong place, at the wrong time. Neither of them went out that day with the intention of dying, or with the realization that they might die. I’m sure Neda was well aware she was in danger but no one expected there to be snipers, aiming at women, of all people. Marwa did not bravely confront her harasser and attacker, daring him to do it again – she was attacked and was an innocent victim. Plus, hijab wasn’t necessarily the motivator in her death as much as her ethnicity and religion in general. Why all the focus on what she was wearing? Why not “the immigrant martyr”, “the Muslim martyr”, “the Egyptian martyr”?

I also have a serious problem with how the pictures of these two women are being used, especially by Muslims, and especially in the case of Neda. Nothing screams disrespect like a vectored graphic of Neda’s dead face. Yet I’ve seen it on the sidebars of Muslim-owned blogs and websites, or in advertisements or other things meant to make a point. “Never forget Neda” even though they’ve already forgotten the other nameless men and women who’ve died just as horrible and honorably as Neda.

I’m well aware that the Muslims partaking in this are well intentioned, but I hope people will stop to think about what they’re really saying by using these two innocent women.

New Site

You can now find me at RuinedbyReading.Net.

Do you have hair under your scarf?

I had a new experience in hijab-world this weekend (uncreative, isn’t it?).

If you watch Little Mosque on the Prairie, you might remember the episode where Rayaan got her haircut and everyone could tell how horrible it looked under her hijab. It’s silly, but addresses the misconception that women have no hear under their scarf, or know nothing about beauty or fashion or taking care of themselves. It also addresses how difficult it can be for some women to find salons that have separate rooms or female-only environments. I got my hair cut this weekend for the first time since I began wearing hijab, and thankfully the experience was nothing like that depicted in Little Mosque on the Prairie.

When I made the appointment, I completely forgot about mentioning hijab. When I walked in the door, I was immediately asked if I needed to be in a room without men. I didn’t get any weird looks, or was asked things like, “So…you’re going to take that off, right?” There was one man there, doing work for their remodeling. He was asked to leave for his lunch break so I could get my hair cut. These women didn’t know anything about Islam, but they knew plenty about hair and headscarves. It was a really great experience and I was told that the next time I came back, I would be able to use a separate room.

I doubt any of my blog readers are where I am, but if you’re ever in Madison and need a haircut, I highly recommend Madison Salon West.

These are a few of my favorite things: Etsy

I’m a little obsessed with Etsy. I’ve only ever bought two things from Etsy sellers before but both experiences were positive and I definitely trust it more than Ebay. For those of you living under a rock, Etsy is a place where people can sell either vintage, or handmade items. There’s lots of home goods, jewelry, and art. It’s a way to support an artist and get a unique item out of it.

So, because I’m such an Etsy freak, allow me to picspam you all with stuff I’m in love with. I’m re-doing my room this year so a lot of this is stuff I’d love to use to decorate with.

Keep Calm and Carry On Poster. This user has this poster in almost every color imaginable. There’s lots of posters like it on Etsy, too, if you look. It’s a remake of the famous British propaganda poster.

Six vintage plastic apples. Honestly, I kind of just want these to photograph. I also think they’d be cute to set on my desk, once I actually get a desk. They’re awesomely funky.

Lotus painting with recycled paint. The idea of using recycled paint is pretty cool, and it looks awesome here. I love henna, and I love the lotus. I don’t think this will fit my color pallet, but I’d love to have it.

Silver lotus band. I wouldn’t pay $40 for this, but I really, really want it. If/when I get a tattoo, it will be just this simple drawing of a lotus.

Wrist key chain. This is so perfect and adorable. Right now I have a long lanyard for my keys with a Palestinian flag on it, which might raise a few eyebrows when I go through security for one of my jobs. This would be a perfect replacement and not as big and clunky. There’s lots of other cute designs in this users shop as well.

Healthcare Reform and Selfishness

I was folding shirts at one of my jobs a few weeks ago when a co-worker came up to me and said, “You know, I think I’m going to write a letter or something because I’m getting more and more upset about how Obama is handling healthcare reform. It’s just a horrible idea.” She then went on to say the US was well known to have the best healthcare in the world. (We’re actually fairly low on the list – France and Canada rank higher than the US, I believe.)

I know it’s probably wrong for me to think this, but I think people who don’t support a public healthcare option are selfish, delusional, or both. Often times it’s people who have been pampered enough and lucky enough to never have to worry about the cost of private healthcare. They are so unwilling to let go of that in order to help out the millions (millions? thousands?) of people who don’t have access to healthcare.

I often see a lot of people who think that those who don’t have healthcare don’t work. They group them in together with the welfare queens – nevermind what a horrible classist and racist stereotype that is. The fact is, most people without healthcare have a job. Some of them even work much harder than those with healthcare.

These facts and figures are all repeated often enough for the average citizen to be aware of them. But what boggles my mind completely are people who have no healthcare, or are in debt paying for it, but do not support an affordable public option. People like my parents.

This afternoon my mother got off the phone, crying, because she found out she will most likely not have any health insurance after this year. My father’s union screwed everyone over on health insurance options with retirement. She’s too young for Medicare and has no job. She couldn’t afford to pay for a private insurance plan. I later mentioned to her that healthcare reform isn’t too far off. Even if we have to wait a few years, small changes might happen now. Her reaction was disgust. She is still against government run healthcare, even though her husband is on Medicare and she is a few years away from it herself.

This is an attitude I don’t understand. Is it pride? Is it just a lack of knowledge about the reform or how health insurance is set up now? Even if healthcare is mediocre, isn’t it better than none?

Reform is needed. I believe it needs to be run by the government, and I believe it’s a basic right. I am willing to give up some more money in taxes, as long as I can, in exchange, get a better insurance option than I am now – paying out the nose for subpar insurance.

Top 10 things to NOT do in a clothing store

1. Don’t unfold shirts you don’t want. Unfolding one shirt to see the style is acceptable. Unfolding every shirt in every color in every size is not.

2. Don’t put your own clothes away. Even if you think you can hand them up nicely, you can’t, and you definitely don’t know how to hand them back on the rack. I know you’re trying to be nice, but really, it makes more work for us retail workers to follow you around the store and pick up what you just put back.

3. Don’t try on the whole store. What I mean is, don’t try on 20 different items, then leave them all in the fitting room as you go in and out. It makes our lives easier if you give us clothes you don’t want as you go, so that we don’t have to put away 50 different things after you just left and bought one thing.

4. Don’t leave the fitting room a mess. It’s not that hard to put things on the bench or kind of hang them back up. Don’t put the clothes, which you do not own, on the floor in a big pile and hang up every shirt inside-out. Did you really think that was an acceptable thing to do?

5. Don’t expect us to babysit your kids. If you can’t control your little monsters, don’t bring them out in public. Do not expect us to chase after them, pulling clothes out of their hands. If your child hurts him/herself on our displays, this is not our fault.

6. Don’t give me random coins after I’ve already opened the drawer. It’s annoying, just stop.

7. Don’t flip out on us because we’re trying to sell you something. In case you didn’t know, our job is to sell you stuff. Especially if you’re shopping in a store that has a store credit card. We don’t want to annoy you about it, but we have to, so don’t flip out on us for it.

8. Don’t stay past closing. Common sense. Don’t come in 5 minutes to close either. Do not tell me you know we’re closing, apologize, then continue shopping. We have lives outside of work, you know.

9. Don’t expect to be waited on hand and foot. You probably have two hands – you can pick something up off of a shelf yourself. Don’t stand there and sigh loudly while I’m obviously helping another customer either, because you just can’t wait for someone to pick up a pair of pants of the rack for you because you’re too brain dead to do it yourself.

10. Don’t return things. Don’t buy things you know you will return. Don’t return hundreds of dollars of stuff and expect everyone to keep smiling, either. Don’t complain about our return policy – you’re lucky you get that long to decide if you want to keep something. For the love of God, do not return used undergarments.